This is a framework created by the author/researcher Gretchen Rubin that explores our relationships with commitments and expectations.
The four tendencies are:
- Upholder
- Obliger
- Questioner
- Rebel
So what are they mean? Things will become clearer with a summary of the tendencies.
Upholder
Upholders regularly meet both inner and outer expectations. For example, if you ask an upholder to do you a favour and they say they will, then they do. Also, if an upholder makes a new years resolution to give up carbs, they will mostly likely meet their goal.
Upholders do not like breaking the rules and tend to get defensive when blamed for something they don’t think is their fault.
Obliger
Obligers regularly meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. Similar to Upholders, they tend to keep the commitments they make to others, however expectations that don’t have external accountability are difficult for Obligers. A good hack for Obligers is to use external accountability to help meet an internal goals. For example if you want to exercise more, get a Fitbit and organize a group of friends to share how many steps you are getting each day.
Beware Obliger rebellion. This is what happens when and were the obliger finally snaps and says ‘to hell with these external obligations, I quit!’
Obliger is the most common tendency in the general population.
Questioner
Questioners meet internal and external obligations if they understand the reasoning behind the obligation. They tend not to succeed at arbitrary or inefficient tasks. Once you can answer their questions justifying why a particular course of action makes sense, they will be more likely to buy into it. Questioners are usually the people who will email you links to research/data to reinforce a topic you have recently discussed with them.
Ironically (this is anecdotal and from Gretchin’s observations) many questioners don’t like being questioned.
Rebels
Rebels struggle to meet both internal and external obligations. Telling them they have to do something won’t work. They can’t even get themselves to do things this way. Rebels are motivated by their sense of identity. So, for example when they see themselves as fit and health conscious they will exercise and eat healthily. However if you tell them they need to exercise at a specific time on a specific day, or bend their knees more, or not drink alcohol, you will be more likely to have them do the opposite.
Apparently Rebel is the least common tendency in the general population.
The purpose of the framework is not to judge the tendencies, but rather to understand your tendencies and the tendencies of the people around you. Instead of feeling bad when you or others don’t meet expectations, view it as an opportunity. It might be an opportunity to better understand your tendencies, or the tendencies of others.